under construction

After nine years (with a couple breaks here and there in the midst of childbearing/raising) of this beautiful blog being my home I've decided to move to a new location... I hope you'll stay with me as I dig in deeper to all the wonderful things I am passionate about.  Connecting with people, creating beauty in this world (through diys, cooking, and learning new things) and yes, even coffee! What can I say? I'm passionate about coffee!

I'll be debuting on my nine year anniversary!

raining on Taylor Swift's parade

In Taylor Swift's song, "Love Story" she talks about two people getting married and sings, "you'll never have to be alone".  News flash!  Marriage does not cure you of loneliness!

People, loneliness will always be a part of life!

I'm sorry to rain on your parade but getting married, moving in with someone, and possibly physically duct taping yourself to someone is not going to cure your loneliness. Believe me, I have considered duct taping myself to Hubs because as a double whammy "quality time" and "physical touch" person that seems to be one of the best solutions to keeping my love tank filled.  Lordy, just thinking about that makes me laugh out loud. Hubs would die in two days. He would be so overstimulated. Like a plant that has been overwatered my Hubs would shrivel and die.

Loneliness is part of why I am restarting my blog.  Not my own personal loneliness but because I read my friend's facebook status the other day and she was lamenting how lonely motherhood can be.  Agreed.

But I was lonely before I was a mother.  I was surrounded by people all the time and I still felt lonely!  So why are we as human beings so lonely? If we have friends, family and people around us why are we still aching in our hearts for someone to reach out and love us?

Loneliness is a great push for us to not only search for something deeper but to also share with those around us more deeply.  I believe everyone is on a journey in life and that involves spirituality.  Loneliness is a disconnect in our spirits.  Even in my marriage, Hubs who knows me best, cannot know me fully.  So there is this disconnect, a gap in the spirit.

You can also be physically lonely.  I was often times lonely when I lived in Japan because I felt that language kept me from fully sharing who I am.  My jokes wouldn't translate, my background is different from theirs and values would be miscommunicated.  Now that was not often the case and that's the worst scenario of my time there.

So now in Colorado why do I still find myself lonely where language no longer is a barrier?  I believe it has to do with more than being a stay at home mom.  I think my loneliness also has to do with the fact that its hard to share who I am.  I'm waiting for someone to show me their cards before I place my bet.

Here's another news flash, that's not going to happen in real life.  Hubs has told me, "To have good friends, you have to be a good friend" and I would totally agree.

I'll be honest, I don't think there is any 100% cure to loneliness because I think loneliness (should) drive us to vulnerability and other people.  We were made to live in communities and I am not talking online communities.  I like my blog. It serves a need I have to write. I like facebook.  I get to photostalk all y'all!  But these venues are not real communities.  We still need to physically get outside, away from our iphones, computers and look people in the face and talk to their faces. And let them argue, disagree, spur us on and love us just as we are.

It's hard to pursue people in love when we just want them to pursue us in love. We want to sit back and let the sun rays of love warm us like we're on a beach somewhere.  And for some of us, that happens.  But even for those who are lucky to be pursued in love, you have to respond and return that love. You can't just lie there and soak it all in or it will eventually disappear!

For most of us, we have to pursue first.  We have to write the text or make the call... but in the end, sitting across from a friend, sharing life and a bit of ourselves too, isn't it worth it in the end?

practice makes perfect

Why do you suppose most people don't finish their new year's resolutions?

I know for me, personally, it's all about the passage of time and my own laziness.  I am a forgetful person (times that by 100 now that I have kids. If you don't see me write it down, it ain't gonna happen!) and a very "on my own terms" kind of person.

While reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp I came across her thoughts on why she'd often times heard a sermon or read scripture about "giving thanks" but how it had never really changed her.  She says it all boils down to practice for her.  She discovers this while reading Philippians 4:11-13

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Twice Paul mentions practice as in "I have learned" how to be thankful and content. We have to learn our goals, practice them.... daily, hourly, minute by minute remind myself that I am thankful.

So in order to be successful with your New Year's resolution and for me to cultivate a more eucharisteo lifestyle, we must put ourselves to daily practice of such.  Think about it. If your goal is to lose weight, you won't magically wake up tomorrow ten pounds lighter.  Oh!  If that were only the key to weight loss, everyone would be the ideal weight that they want OR on the other hand we'd have such a bad habit of indulgence because it would require nothing of us, no sacrifice for us to reach our ideal goal.  If you could wake up tomorrow without working for your goal but having your goal accomplished I am willing to bet you wouldn't cherish your goal as much as working for it.

I have a lot of dear friends who are engaged right now.  They labored and prayed and waited for these days.  Think of how sweet the wedding will be after the wait is finally over.  I know when Hubs and I got married I counted down the days and greatly anticipated the big celebration.

Anything worth having, is also worth waiting for and working towards.... right?

I confess, I am the worst at this. Worst!  I have told you, my dear friends, multiples times how "itchy" and tired I get of life.  I rearrange my furniture quarterly (if not more), I paint, I redecorate.... etc. I get so bored with life that I need change.   And I've come to realize, appreciate and even admire that about myself.  My desire for change is a gift from God.  But how can I thrive in daily practice and discipline when I shudder at the mundane?

Sacrifice.

I cannot become the woman I am intended to be, the wife, the mother, the friend, sister, etc. without saying no to some things in life.  For example; I want to get up at 6AM every morning.  That means I have to be very good about going to be at a decent hour.  

You're probably thinking right now how boring and un-fun I sound but I want to encourage you that a little daily discipline and sacrifice can help us all to become the people we want to. Whether it's a spiritual goal or a physical goal.  We can't reach it without discipline and sacrifice.

Read Hebrews 11! It's all about people who sacrificed without seeing the fruits of their labors. Yet, they continued to labor because they knew the real "fruits of their labors" didn't lay on this side of heaven.  

So what's your word? And how can you practice your word today?

1 Corinthians 9:24, "Run in such a way to gain the prize"

Today

After yesterday's post I couldn't help but feel like I did a lot of whining and not a lot of solution finding.
Thank God today His mercies are new and that I can start afresh.
So here's what God reminded me of. Thankfulness.
When I feel itchy in life I need to remember all the goodness God has lavished on me. Starting with His Son Jesus and the reconciliation that was offered on the cross.
Oh, Lord, help me not to lose sight of all that I have.
I'm so humbled that even Jesus didn't consider Himself equal to God but became a servant. Man! How I need this mindset in life.
I'm thankful for three awesome years with our neighbors and the way A brought beauty to her backyard. That woman was amazing with plants! I'm thankful for Long Beach and the church friends, neighbor friends and friends I have. I have so many!

So here are just a FEW of the things I am thankful for....

 five years of friendship and three of those being married to the best man on this earth. Seriously love this guy!!

 nature! I am so refreshed and revived when I get into God's creation!

 family

 homemade soup

 friends who know you and know what makes you smile!

quiet mornings, friendships, and the simple pleasures of things like pumpkin pie bagels.  Who knew those could make me so happy?

babies who love each other and are so sweet.
(and who are currently chasing each other in my curtains! Their giggles are more than I deserve in this life. Ah, Lord! Thank you!)

It's the simple things in life and sometimes I forget that.  Don't be afraid to knock me upside the head next time I forget. :P

*sigh* well, if I never learn to be content, at least maybe I'll learn to be thankful while yearning for the things yet to come!

the 7 week itch

I've heard reports that a lot of couples after seven years of marriage feel an "itch" to get out and experience something (and sadly sometimes someone) new.

Well, this has nothing to do with marriage but I definitely get the itch.  And even more unfortunate it's probably more like a seven week itch.  Every so often I get this claustrophobic feeling that everything is closing in around me.  I start purging from my closet, my desktop, my recipes.... everything! Everything must go! I'm like a liquidation sale, I suppose.

It's happening again.  I am feeling so claustrophobic in life right now.  I feel a bit stuck in life, in my walk with the Lord, in my closet, in my personal space, in cooking, etc.

Can I be honest about something? I feel like I need to come clean.  At the beginning of the year, I came out with my word for the year, "contentment"... and although I definitely need work on this word (read above again if you disagree) I chose that word thinking that God would move us out of our current situation at the end of spring.  New house, new jobs, new.... something!

So while I chose contentment, I was really thinking, "I want to be happy where I'm at cause it's all gonna change soon."

And it didn't.

And that's ok.  But now I'm really struggling.  This is where the rubber meets the road, per se.  Where I'm feeling the itch, have been feeling the itch and I've already rearranged the rearrangement of my furniture, have purged my closet twice in the last three months, and have purchased a new cookbook hoping for some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

itch. itch. itch.

My sister in law says this is because of my upbringing, that I moved around so much as a kid that I can't stand to be in anywhere too long now.  Hubs' company says, "this is who you are" because I ranked "change and variety" as a high value.

Maybe its because things around me are changing.  Our neighbors moved two days ago.  They told us they were moving, they packed their bags, Hubs helped with heavier items... but then when it came for them to say goodbye, "last box is packed" and actual "see you laters".... do you know what happened?

They just left.

Gone.  Without so much as a goodbye.  Over the course of the last days I've asked Hubs, "Are you SURE they're not coming back?"

After three years of being neighbors, sharing talks, food, and drinks... they just left. The. End.  And I can't help but feel.... itchy!

Well, I feel a lot of things.  Sad... for one thing.  After three years that was what our friendship amounted to.  Nothing.  No goodbyes.

I think my itch that needs scratching comes from the feeling that perhaps things will be better.  If we lived overseas with a close knit community of friends, I KNOW they wouldn't forget to say goodbye to us.  For example.  I start thinking about how green the grass is on the other side.... and in walks discontentment like an old (but most certainly unwelcomed) friend.

I'm just feeling discontent with life.... and I don't mean that in a way that says I'm not blessed or I'm not loved. I know I am both. In abundance.  I guess I'm feeling things should be different.

In the meantime, maybe the itch is good.  I can downsize our home, donate some gently used items and make room for the girls to be wild and free.  So much to be thankful for and content with... even if I feel claustrophobic at times.  I suppose its good to evaluate what is from the Lord and what is no longer necessary in life.

And even though I tried to be content for just five months of the year, God knew that my contentment journey would need deeper digging and longer steps.

I think I'll choose "adventure" for next year's word. Ha ha!

How are you doing with your word?

Here's some posts on my contentment journey:
Here
Here
And here

a tour...

Hello everyone!

I wanted to write and give a little tour of my blog so that if you are here and confused, you won't feel so unsure of navigating the pages, links, etc.

First off, is the "pages area"... If you click on any of the pages you will be redirected to those posts which can tell you a bit more about me and the series of Moms in Ministry.  I wanted to add the M.I.M. links in case someone was trying to find them all in one location. Voila! The pages section!

Next, we have the categories or "tags" from my post.  Hubs has told me in recent feedback that he thinks these are confusing.  For now, I'll just let you know what each tag means and hope that might clear up some confusion.


Inklings
This is where I share my deep thoughts and meanderings through life.  It's lovingly stolen from the literary group with the same name that met in pubs to discuss their own writings.  Members included my hero C.S. Lewis, fictional genius J.R.R. Tolkien and mystery phenomenon Dorothy Sayers.  Click here for more.

Home & Heart
I tag this when I write about things dear to my heart pertaining to the home.


Upward & Onward
Another Lewis reference.  In the book, "The Last Battle" those who have ventured into Aslan's Country to "move higher up and further in" or as I have taken the meaning to be "deeper into Aslan"... it's kind of my "battle cry" for God's spirit working in me and revealing things to me.


My Colorful World
Any post I consider colorful. Mostly pictures!


Over & About
My posts regarding Japan; either while in Japan or upon returning home and reflecting on my time spent there.


Life's Little Moments
Sometimes I write about the littlest things... laundry, baby moments, etc.  The little moments that if I weren't looking out for, might slip by and go unnoticed (and often do).


twenty.eight
When I was 28, I attempted to do 28 things.  And then I got pregnant (which was one of them) and did about 5. ha ha ha!! It's a list of things I gathered from myself, Hubs and family members encouraging me to do more.  I love the things I learned from the stuff I did do and let it serve as a reminder to continue trying new things.

If you look below that you'll find, Looking For Something... perhaps something you read on my blog? Enter a couple keywords here and hit search!

Then there are the blogs I love to read and people I Am Blessed to know.  If you like things you read here on Cultivating, you will love some of these.  They update and change order as the author updates their posts!

Finally, Subscribe so you can get updated when I update the blog. Since I've readily confused to being a sporadic blogger (oops, sorry!) I think this would be the easiest way to stay tuned in to read Cultivating.

Grab My Button! If you have a blog, go ahead and grab my button so you can let others know where to find me.  It's convenient, practical and just so darn cute!


Well, hope that helps you find what you might be looking for here at Cultivating and if not, don't hesitate to leave a comment below and let me know.
With love!

oh, what's in a word

In January I chose a word... you can read about it here.  It's been interesting to talk to my sweet friend C every week about the words we chose and how God is cultivating them in our lives.  We both laugh as we struggle with our words and said we should have chosen "ice cream" for 2012... who doesn't want more ice cream in their lives? Am I right or am I right?

That's what I thought. But although contentment has been a learning process and often times challenging word for me, it has also brought many deep soulful sighs and heart smiles into my life.

Recently, contentment has looked like....

continuing to put down roots and reach out to those around me even though my dreamer mind says, "You won't be here anymore." And although my heart is planning what to pack and what to throw away, what to buy and how to decorate a new home (seriously, i could get carried away) I just stop and go out to talk to my neighbor.  Cause you never know.  I may not be her neighbor for very long but then again, I might be.  And for today, all that matters is that I am her neighbor. Right. Now.

changing rooms with my Love Bugs so that they can have more space to play and sleep, grow and learn while Hubs and I shuffle our way sideways into bed at night. And yes, I had a day (or two) of grieving that they were no longer in the room which I had painstakingly prepared for them.  The room I daydreamed rocking them to sleep in.  And Hubs and I were no longer in the room where I came home to as a new bride.  The room that never, *sigh* never, got decorated or painted or "finished"... *sigh*.  And yes, that can of paint that I swore to use still sits on my shelves.  And I guess my *gulp* step wasn't such a step after all. You can find that smaller than I thought it would be step here.  And contentment is being okay with using the paint or not using the paint.

using my china more and throwing more parties.  It means using "evite" for events that I could have just sent out an email to.  And calling getting together with friends, "events". Celebrating friends who visit and making pies that Hubs and I don't really need to eat but making them just because. 

swinging on the swing set with my Love Bugs.  And yes, I'm bigger than everyone at this park and yes, I'm the only mother using the equipment and yes, I'm giggling like my Love Bugs but this is contentment to me.

letting the Love Bugs play longer in the bath, practice feeding themselves though it's messier, and taking time to really enjoy them.  I did this last night while Hubs was out.  I filled the bathtub with water and let the Love Bugs chase their duckies around the suds.  I sat there and didn't worry if letting them sit in the cool air would lead to them catching colds.  I sat there and watched the joy on their faces as they splashed and didn't worry about getting splashed myself.  I sat there and even on the edge of the tub while I let my feet soak and didn't worry that I wasn't washing them thoroughly enough.  I sat there... and I sighed. With contentment and deep joy in my heart.

This is what contentment looks like for me. Right. Now.

How about you? Did you choose a word? If not, why don't you? It doesn't have to be a January thing, it can be a Spring Thing! :)  How is your word being acted out in your life?

is integrity dead?

Integrity... is integrity dead? Is integrity still important?  I've been wrestling with these thoughts because I overheard a conversation between believers that made me feel uncomfortable.  I wondered, "Is integrity still important?" 
Integrity, according to my handy dictionary, is "the adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty".  And in my humble opinion it is still very important and not only that but also pertinent for our generation to uphold.
Hubs and I were discussing integrity and how we had seen recent situations that were less than integritious. (I know that's not a word but I like the sound of it. May I use it? Of course I can, this is my blog.)  As I was pondering that I was driving around and accidentally parked too close to the car in front of me, and when I turned off the car, I lurched forward hitting the car.  A smaller than small scratch was left on the bumper but I had this thought of, "integrity" in my mind and i knew that if I was going to hold others to such a standard I needed to do so myself.
So I left a note.
Why am I telling you this? Why am I wasting precious baby-napping time to blog about it?  Because I want to challenge us all to think more on integrity and to be accountable to each other.  Readers, beloved friends, be full of integrity. Wasn't Jesus full of integrity? Don't we want to be more like him? Don't we want the world to stop and ask us why we're different?
Integrity is still important because it sets us apart from the world.  It says that we will not use less than honest ways to get ahead, to save a few bucks, or to entertain friends.  I don't care if you are stealing pencils from your company or littering or asking for a water cup then getting soda or using your college i.d. to get into movies for a cheaper rate~ it's still wrong.  Let's stop calling what is black or white, "grey" and live more honestly. 
And yes, I do things that are less than integritious but I really want to be accountable too.  So the next time you see me do something that smears the lines of right and wrong, let me know.  Let's call what is wrong, "wrong" and live lives set apart or holy.

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.

Proverbs 10:9

one of those

Do you ever have "one of those day" where nothing seems to be going right and you wonder, as my good friend Sarah puts it, if you are starring in your very own Truman Show?

Where nothing seems to be going right, in fact, all the little things about your day which usually flow without a thought, suddenly come unglued and fall at your feet begging for your attention? The kind of day where you hope that you open your newspaper or homepage and read that the latest news headline is screaming about how raw cookie dough is actually a major link to fighting cancer. and losing weight. and fighting evil. And the only way to achieve all of those is by eating unheard of amounts of it. All I need is permission, spoon is ready & poised!

And yes, I said raw cookie dough.  It's about time I let you see my weaknesses and flaws.

Friends, its been "one of those days"... and I came on my computer hoping to read about raw cookie dough and instead I am blogging about the hilarity of days gone wrong.  Laundry line fell and dragged all my clean white diapers in the dark, not clean, mud. Boo.  My daughters are extra needy and want to be held. Yay but hard to clean up mud soiled laundry when holding or shall I correctly say "juggling" two little bebes!  Then Hubs comes home, walks past the plant in the hall and announces, "You've got aphids!" Seriously!?! Who has time for aphids?  Dinner has to be on the table at some point in the next 12 hours... perferrably the earlier part of those 12 hours. Diapers need to be changed. Laundry needs to be rewashed and then folded! Oh, and that's if I can get a free washer or dryer... and now I have aphids that need killing.  Ohhhh those aphids won't know the fury I will unleash on them.

But instead of complaining (I consider the above purely story telling... if I were to go on, then I could be accused of complaining) I am choosing to be thankful.

51. I have laundry.  I have multiple loads of multiple outfits for my hubs, bebes and I.  We have closets (too) full of clothes and for that I am very thankful.  I am thankful for clothes that keep us warm and decent. :)
52. My plants.  They breath life into my house and I can't help but smile whenever I water them and tend to them.  They truly do brighten up my home and I love having plants indoors.
53. A random cooking magazine arrived at my door with easy to make meals and yummy looking dishes.  Perhaps we might try one tonight.  Apparently Hubs was chosen as a "target audience" to test out this new magazine.  Don't mind if we do!
54. For $20 I received a coffee mug which enables me to "free" coffee the month of January.  Granted it was $20 but I'm pretty sure I'll be exceeding that above and beyond.
55. Good books from good friends about imaginary faraway places that I can get "caught up in". I love reading!

Do you ever have "one of those day" and what do you do when you have them?

one word (a copycat)

 I read this blog written beautifully by my friend A and I can not get her thoughts and the "challenge" out of my head. I have been inspired and challenged to focus on one word for the year!

So I chose "content" or "contentment"... it's my hope and prayer that I will exit 2012 more content than I entered it. :)  My life is so blessed and I am feeling so thankful to God for the last six months.  They were hard months, the hardest I have had in my life, but they were not without reason.  In the midst of these months I realized that I would often "escape" by dreaming of a different circumstance.

A great verse on my bedroom mirror to remind me of my theme for the year!

I love to daydream and plan for the future.  This is a gift and a blessing, a quality I love about myself but it can also be a huge endurance when I am unable (or unwilling) to live in the here and now.

I daydream, for example, of having a house with a yard that my girls can play in.  Now this is not a bad daydream or even an ungodly desire but what is bad is when I become angry with or complain to Hubs about our little home. Sure, it feels tight and even more so with two little ones. Sure, we can hardly imagine having crawlers or walkers in the rooms. And sure, we have literally no idea where we will put our second crib when the day comes....

but those are not good reasons to become discontented.  I have a house. A beautiful house within a wonderful complex.  We came home from the holidays to four brand new windows and new faucets that our maintanence guy put in for us. :)  What a guy! And how great that he did it while we were gone so we didn't have to make arrangements for the girls to go elsewhere to nap.  Way to go Patio Gardens!

Anyway, my theme for the year is "contentment" and I am excited to read through the scriptures with my word in the back of my mind.  I'm excited for where God is going to lead and what He is going to do.  I feel like 2012 is going to be a year of changes!! (not that 2011 wasn't?!?! ha ha)

and on my bathroom mirror

What is your one word?

The 3 C's

I alluded to "the 3 c's" in this post here and wanted to dig deeper into the three different (very general) sins that seem to plague most women.  I won't assume that all women struggle with all three of these but in most cases I think you can find a little bit of each of these in a conversation that isn't being guarded.

Take a minute to sit at Starbucks and listen to some women talking... or perhaps you don't even have to eavesdrop on someone else's conversation.  I know for me, I don't have to look any further than at myself to find "the 3 c's" being casually tossed about like they were a penny a piece and no harm to anyone.  My tongue gets me into so much trouble and before I know it I've complained, compared and competed myself with another person and most often times that person wasn't even present to "rise to the challenge".  In thinking and praying over these little c's... I've come to realize several things about them.

First, they are very intricately connected.  It's hard to have one and not the other.  When I complain about my hair and how awful it is and how I hate the cut and how it makes me look I realized that I am complaining because my hair doesn't look like "so and so's" hair which is always immaculate and never a strand out of place. And to go a step further, the reason I want my hair to look like "so and so's" is so that I could possibly "out-beautify" her and thereby enters in competition.  It's easy to see how one leads to another before I've even recognized that I have done one.

Second, "the 3 c's" are a "slippery slope".  What I mean by that is observe how easy it is for us as women to get caught up in each of these and often times we don't even know it's happened.  Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling a bit uneasy?  I know I have.  I have walked away from well-meaning times with my own sisters in Christ and felt a bit... "um, Lord, was that honoring?" brewing in my stomach.  I don't even know it's happening as I sit and catch up with some of my girlfriends but later as I am reflecting on my time spent I realize I could have held my tongue more. 

Third, at the root of all three of these is a voice saying, "God, what you have given me, whether it be beauty, money, talents, etc. is not enough." Think about it.  When you complain, you are saying, "I don't like this circumstance."  When you compare, it's "why didn't you make me this way" and when you compete you say to God, "this person is better than me".... it's an insatiable monster that will not only eat you up but convince you to "eat up" those who are around you.  As I write this I wanna ask, "Why do I give others the permission to tell me how much I am worth?" and it's true.  We give others the permission to tell us if we are beautiful, successful or worth very much. 

Last, you are not the master of these three though you think you are... they are and will always be the master of you until you take them to Jesus.  For instance, I don't like the verse in James that says that "no man" can tame their tongue because I like to think I can tame my tongue.  I like to think I can stop gossiping, putting down other women and degrading my own self.  I like to think that I can but in reality, I can't.  We are no longer slaves to sin, the bible tells us, and yet, we allow ourselves to be slaves when we give in to these petty three c's.  There is no life in speaking and believing these three c's.  Whether we believe and speak them about others or ourselves.  No life.  There can only be death.  Death of friendships, death of us finding our true identity and death to a fruitful spiritual life.

I can easily relate to James' words about how "with (the tongue) we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God".  Whenever I read that I cry out, "Really God?!? Is there no hope for someone like me?" and of course there is hope.

Our hope comes from the Bible which teaches us that God shows His love for us that while we were still sinners Christ, God's son, died for us.  (Romans 5:8)  There is nothing we can do, now or ever, to earn this gift which God freely gives us.  Yet, while we are in this life we should not waste this gift of grace but use it to continue on towards righteousness and holiness.  So for example, even though I have trouble with these "3 c's" I should not shrug my shoulders and say, "Well, there's grace to cover that" and continue on my merry way. No, I should strive to live a godly life and strive to rid my habits of such sinful tendencies.  I love Philippians 1:6 which says, "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion..." and Proverbs 24:16, "for the righteous falls seven times and rises again...".  It's nice to know that even the righteous fall but the key is to get up and "rise above" that which would bring us down.

Hope.

the heart of it

This picture represents simplicity to me.  The simple life. I long for a simple life but not only that but thankfulness in a simple life.  I wish I was more simplistic in my desires and values.  But I do desire recognition and acclamation.  Lord, help me to desire the things you do.
Do you  know how easy it is for me to complain?

Ugh. Why is it so easy to complain?

Is there anyone here with me?  Sitting like Jonah under a tree that is wilted, pouting?!?

Anyone? Anyone?

I was thinking about my heart and how easy it is to think of all that isn't where I want it to be and mourn the loss of things that I used to count so dear to me.  Like time! And independence! And a waistline.

ha ha

No seriously.

But then I stopped because I am realizing that my girls are starting to watch me.  I mean, really focus in on me and watch me.  Oh, I love how they turn to me after nursing, milk dripping down their chubby little chins, and they smile up at me.  Melts my rotten complainy heart right down to little complainy pieces.

I realized that my attitude and outlook on life will be passed on to my girls.  Either they will "itch" to get out of my presence because complainers are no fun to be around or worse, they'll become complainers themselves.

And can I just tell y'all something?!

Complaining is one of the ugliest things.  Seriously, it can strip a woman of all her beauty. I know this, I warn other women about it and yet, it is one of my faults.

I learned about the three c's in college that plague women:

comparison

competition

complaining

and I can't help but think of those lessons learned even now.

Sooo... whats a girl to do about her complaining heart?

Well, I decided to continue counting my blessings and putting them on my blog so that I would be somewhat accountable to whoever is reading this.

Along time ago I read a book that challenged me and encouraged me to live fully right where I am in life.  The challenge is to try and find 1000 things you are thankful for in your every day life.  I loved this book and loved the challenge but I will confess I am super bad at this.  Not bad at being thankful in a "I'm-trying-to-be-modest-and-make-you-feel-good" kind of bad.  I am sincerely bad at being thankful.  I have to think and think and think about what I am thankful for in my every day life. It's humbling to say the least because sometimes Hubs will ask me and I will stammer out some sort of response while he is naturally more observant of all that we are blessed with. So I started my adventure down this path but never developed the habit and so I soon forgot to keep up with it.

Well, starting today I am going to continue on with counting my thousand gifts... and don't worry. I'm only on #46, so you didn't miss much.  And while I'm thinking about lessons learned I think I'll finish december off with some of my thoughts about the 3 c's and encourage you ladies to not fall into a rut as I have often done.  We need to proactively fight off the things that diminish our beauty and threaten our joy. 

If you want more info about the book (a definite must-read and a good gift for someone in your life this holiday season) click here.

So without further ado, I give you some of my blessings...

46. the tree trimmers who come and make our apartment complex look beautiful and let more sunlight in onto our patio and into our house to keep it warm.

47. babies who sleep at night, allowing me and hubs some much needed rest

48.  snail mail which warms my heart from friends and family who I am far from

49. the kind lady at the grocery store who helped me juggle a double stroller, two crying babies, half of my grocery list (oh well, i guess i'll have to get the other half later), my credit card and shopping bag.  Super thankful for her kindness and patience with me. (my first time out alone and my excursion lasted about 2 minutes before baby 1 melted down) :P

50. beautiful flowers from a wonderful man I like to call Hubs. *sigh*

oh for grace

 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!” 

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
 

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
 

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

honest motherhood

Motherhood is different than I was expecting.  I'm not sure what I was expecting but I just know that becoming a mother has knocked the wind out of me and I am barely getting back on my feet again.

I didn't think I would feel so emotionally raw for so long.  I still struggle with emotions and don't know what to do with them after so long.  I guess I thought I would have a few rough days or weeks and then bounce back to my normal, upbeat and crazy self.  But my normal, upbeat and crazy self has stayed in hibernation and I am left with this weepy pessimistic person who has replaced her.

I didn't expect to be who I am today.  I'm not sure if this is a "new" me or if this is just the me that is in transition.  I know I may never get back to my "old" self.  I know a lot has changed; some forever and some just for now but I am still slowly adjusting.

I still have sad days.  Days where I feel lonely and confused about life.  The highlight of my days are when my daughters smile at me and they seem to tell me, "Mama, everything's gonna be alright" and I realize that I am learning from my girls and not just them from me. 

I didn't expect to be so homesick. Holding my girls makes me think of my Grandmothers holding their babies and my mother holding my brothers and I.  I think about my mother a lot as I mother.

I think a lot about God and how He parents and Fathers us.  I wonder about Him a lot in the little things in my days... like when I pick my girls up from their naps and they have tears (real tears) in their eyes and down their cheeks because I took too long to come to them and I wonder, "Does God see our real tears, when we cry & feel like He has taken too long and feel sad like I feel sad for my girls?"  I know their napping is for their best and I am giving them what is best, even if it makes them cry... and I hear them and I know they just need to learn to go back to sleep because sleeping is what is best.  So I'm giving them what's best even when they cry and they want me to come to them.... is that like what God is doing when I cry and I wonder where He is in all of this confusion.

I think about God a lot in the moments.  My quiet times may be short and scatter-brained and sometimes I spend half of the time thinking of my laundry list of to-dos but it's the other moments of time, when I'm not necessarily sitting with a bible or a journal in my lap but holding a baby with her bottle or wiping snot from a nose or drool from that stubborn part of the chin that melts into the neck and everything from drool to lint gets caught in.  It's in those moments that I think about God and I don't have to wonder if He loves me....

I just know He does.  Even when I'm crying, sad and confused. I just know He does.

questions

Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger; and whoever believes in me shall never thirst... This is the bread that came down from heaven, not as the fathers ate and died.  Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever."

John 6: 35, 58

What does it look like to "come to" Jesus?

 Is it getting a good quiet time in or is there more to it than that?  Is it physical?  Is it spiritual or is it both?  Can you have something on your heart or is it better to be open?

Can you be surrendered to His will but also have a question you want answered?

Can I be open to any outcome?

What does it mean to no longer hunger?  And for what do I hunger for?  Have I ever felt satisfied?  Is there a satisfaction this side of heaven?  Do I come to you, hungry, longing? Or do I come to you already full?

Am I longing for the wrong desire?  Am I longing to feel full rather than to feel You?

I remember feeling lost after the season ended so long ago and how it's been hard to regain a passion and vision since then.  Is that because the season was my desire and my longing instead of You?

I will never feel lost or unsettled if I long for and find my satisfaction in You...

new eyes

If you've ever seen "The Notebook" or heard about it and decided in your mind that you knew just how romantically hopeless this story was, I implore you to read this post and look at the movie with new eyes.

Notes on the Notebook

Then leave a comment here or there and let me know what you think.  I was blown away by the analogy my Dad made and asked him about it.  He said, "When I woke up in the morning, my thoughts turned to God and I thought of this".  He later encouraged me to not let my mind be made dull by entertainment but instead to see God in all things since He alone permits all things to happen.

Read the post and enjoy seeing a "chick flick" with new eyes.

Inging

I got this idea from my beloved friend Jamie O. over at High Countries (click on title) for doing a blog and since I have no news worthy of an entire blog than I thought I'd just catch you up on all the little happenings around our home.

Dreaming

about all sorts of random things.  I have the most fantastic and vivid dreams during pregnancy.  Last night I had two that I remember...

#1 was me drinking our plant water... ok, so back story on this one~ I am trying to start my own plant from a leaf that I cut from my ivy.  I called my Grandma up and followed her directions to starting it and she mentioned that I should put plant food in the cup of water in order to speed up the process of the cutling starting it's own roots.

In my dream, I drank the cup full of water and miracle grow and told Hubs it was to help the babies grow. Weird!!

Dream #2 was longer and more indepth but basically my high school bf Sarah and enrolled both of us in grad school in Wisconsin.  And I was seriously considering going and living in the dorms again. CRAZY!!!  When I woke up though I had an intense desire to go back to the midwest and also to return to school.  I hope I can do both someday soon.

Wearing

Hubs' old boxer shorts, a maternity top that no longer covers the bottom half of my belly and a beanie to keep my wayward hair in place.

Buh.  Since I'm the same size as a single pregnancies final days I am running out of options for clothes.  Yes, I could go out and buy some large and extra large shirts... but I'm hoping to make it through the summer without having to make another maternity outfit purchase.  It's pretty comical to me and before you go judging me for my outfit, I am staying at home 80% of my days these days anyway.  So no harm done to the general public.

Praying

that these little munchkins inside will decide to shift head down in the next couple of weeks.  It's been a battle in my head because I would really love to go for a natural birth and see what my body can do and experience the process of laboring... but I also will not at any cost put my children at risk.  Move babies, move!  I woke up this morning and it was the first thing on my mind. Their positioning... and so I started to pray and pray and when I finished I glanced at the clock and it said, "8:28"

Oh, how i love when God does this.  It's like my own little message from Hm.  For quite awhile now, I can't even remember how long, but for some time God has laid Romans 8:28 on my heart whenever I see the clock strike that time.  It has been a comfort to me in the past and was today.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  

Freezing

a ton of desserts from Hubs' birthday last week and being blessed by two showers in the month of May.  I felt overwhelming blessed by my Navigator women's shower and the church ladies shower.  Thank you to all who came and helped hostess!! I felt blessed and loved and so lucky to have a wonderful group of friends in Long Beach. Praise God!!

Eating

mostly just cereal these days.  Milk sounds soooo good these days and the cereal is quick and easy for when I'm suddenly struck with hunger pains.  I eat big meals in the morning and tend to slow down for the rest of the day.  I don't feel very interested in food at night.

Celebrating

our wedding anniversary by eating the top of our wedding cake.  Okay, it actually wasn't as romantic as that.  It basically went like this...

Hubs: "can we get this cake out of the freezer?"

Me: "but it's for our anniversary..... ooooookay, but we still have to eat it."

after eating it, Hubs: "this is gross"

Me, shoving a forkful in my frosting tinted mouth, "Really?!? I don't think it's so bad."

 So we celebrated our one year, 8 months and some change anniversary by eating two (or maybe I had more) bites of our beautiful wedding cake. 

 Waiting

for my books I put on hold to come through for me in the library. I'm trying to do a lot of leisure reading this summer while I can but the books I've been wanting to go through (which a lot of you beloved readers suggested to me) are all checked out at the library. Hmmm...

Thanking

God for all the daily life blessings that He has given to me.  I'm working my way slowly up to a thousand gifts.

I know they're there, Lord, please give me the eyes to see them. 

blessed

I'm feeling overwhelmedly blessed this evening.

Nothing physically has changed. I'm not free of back pain, leg cramps or a stretching uterus.  Nothing has changed except my heart.

I was sharing with some lady friends about how I learned recently that it isn't recommended to feed the babies together for the first four weeks.  So for the first four weeks I'll be feeding every 2 1/2 hours one baby at a time in which feeding could possibly take up to an hour.

And as I was sharing I was .... let's be honest, basically complaining about the half an hour that I would have all to myself.

And I felt a little tug on my heart... a little "God tug" and the words from Luke 1 came to my mind, "Blessed are you among women..."

Now I am not claiming to be carrying our savior, or to be even as remotely as surrendered as Mary was (although I strive to be, Lord) or even claim to be more blessed.  I think every woman on earth is being blessed in some way, shape or form.

My shape and form happens to be an oversized but gorgeous uterus that I cannot take my hands off of most of the time.

Blessed.

I hope I can enjoy and relish in every little moment... even the ones that would be "normal" to vent about.  Like the extra poopie diapers and the spit up and the crying and. and. and.....

Nope, I'm blessed.

I think we need to remember and recall to mind that life, even in all it's ebb and flows...

is a blessing.

A blessing.

That's why I am going to start my "thousand gifts list".

I told you about reading this book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Areand how it has changed me and opened my eyes (click here for my thoughts).  But the truth is, I am forgetful and while I am able to recall some of the nuggets of gold to mind I am quickly forgetting the habit of being thankful for daily life.

So I want to start a small journal where I write down the thousand every day things I am thankful for.

#1  little nudges that inevitable begin when I lay down to rest. Private moments with two sweet daughters.

Blessed.

moods and memorization

 

Either I have writers block or I am not as interesting as I like to think that I am but gosh, I just cannot sit down to write a blog that I think would be entertaining.

Is it me or do pregnant people have slower minds? Seriously.

To top things off today I'm mood swinging, so I am actually feeling a bit weepy about the whole not being able to write a decent blog issue and wish I could just blow some steam.

Pffffft!!

Moods are an interesting thing, aren't they?  As a woman I have had to learn and relearn and relearn and discipline myself to follow through on the fact that feelings and moods and emotions are fleeting.  They feel very real because well, it's how I'm feeling.  But the truth is that they are not always Truth.  Emotions can be mean to me. And moods, well, those are always (as of lately) swinging.

So what is stable in life?  What grounds me?

And that is SCRIPTURE!

More and more I'm finding how wonderful it is to be slowly memorizing scripture in my life.  It's so important for me to speak Truth to myself when I'm not necessarily feeling it. 

Recently, Hubs and I were caught in some nasty turbulence.  I'd like to say I handled it like a champ but to be honest I fuh-reaked out and was crying like a baby.  Probably like two babies with all the hormones I got going on.  I was feeling vulnerable and seriously imagining my death.  We were in a small commuter plane and bouncing around like popcorn being popped.  I was sobbing and telling Hubs, "I can't do this. I can't do this."

And then I thought of Isaiah 26:3 which I had memorized which says, "He will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You."

And I repeated that to myself over and over and over again.

Naturally I freaked out the lady next to me who pulled out her barf bag and stared at me until we landed but it brought me so much comfort to know that not only could I ask God to give me peace but He actually promises to give me peace.

I realized memorizing scripture helps us to connect to God in more than just a "feel good" way.  It also helps His word to come alive for us.

If I can encourage you in any way, I would definitely say memorizing scripture is useful for us to connect and be "in step" with our Father.  It helps us to keep in mind the things that are on God's mind and reminds us of the Truth when our emotions tell us otherwise.

So today, although I am feeling somewhat emotional about life I can recall to mind the promises God has given to me through His word and bank on the Truth of what He says.

What verses have you memorized that have later come to mind? (scary situation or not)

overrun... with a thought

We've been overrun recently with some friendly visitors.  With spring in the air, we've had an affluence of caterpillars making their way towards our home which will provide warmth and shelter for their sweet little cocoons.

For the most part we are not bothered by them except when they tried to make their cocoon on our open door (oops, I left it that way so I could sit inside but feel like I was outside).

I'm excited to see their cocoons change and for them to spread their little wings and take flight eventually.

Caterpillars remind me of an analogy that the authors used in the book, "TrueFaced" which I read last semester.  They said that if the DNA was taken from a caterpillar and looked at, you could essentially say, "This is the DNA of a butterfly" and they related this to how we are changed and made into our righteous selves through Christ.  Even though we may feel like we are the same ol' person with the same ol' sin and mistakes that bog us down.

How encouraging is that? That though I struggle with sin and wonder if I will ever become the person I was made to be, it's imperative for me to know and believe and claim for my life that I am actually already that person in Christ.  God never expects perfection from us.  Even after we've reconciled our hearts with Christ, we're still not expected to be perfect.  We're expected to rely and cling to Christ.  And His perfection works in us. Although you may look like the same ol' caterpillar, God no longer sees a caterpillar when He looks at you through Christ.

He sees a butterfly.

If anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5:17