the best medicine

I have officially become that woman... You know, that crazy woman you see muttering to herself dragging a shopping cart down the sidewalk. Ai yai yai! Let me explain...
First, I haven't showered in 2-3 days. I can't really remember when I showered last time but that's ok, I don't even know for sure what day it is.  It isn't entirely my fault that I haven't showered because our piping is busted again and so we had Quinn the maintenance man come over to fix our leaking pipes.  Did I mention the shower was leaking into our pantry? Yeah, not the best situation and he could have fixed it late last night but alas, sleeping babies wins over fixing (cutting) pipes and mommy taking a shower.
So he agreed to come today and while he was here I decided to go grocery shopping. While out I was thoroughly enjoying myself.  I even purchased a peppermint mocha because I was "out" and the girls were (hopefully) sleeping peacefully at home with Hubs.  The sun was shining and I was feeling pretty good... the best I've felt in a long time.  It's been too long since I've felt ambitious or even like myself but today was a small glimpse of me feeling more like me.
I was walking up and down aisles, filling my shopping cart, drinking my latte and daydreaming about all the delicious dishes I was going to make.  I love feeling like myself. I have high hopes that I'll be in the kitchen more now that I'm starting to feel better.  There I was, checking out, when I realized I had filled four pretty big bags and had a ten pound of potatoes on top of that (i know, what am i going to do with ten pounds of potatoes? i have no idea but like I said, ambitious and it was cheaper to buy in bulk... yeesh!) so I wondered how I was going to get all that stuff home since I didn't have the car.
Hmmmm... thought I, "I'll just walk the cart two blocks to my house and then return the cart." So I was strolling down the sidewalk and out of the parking lot when all of a sudden I felt it stop.  I looked down and the wheels had turned sideways....
...and my heart filled with dread.  I was on the phone with my girl Jen when I realized. Ohmygosh, the wheels.... they won't go past a certain point.  No problem, thought I, I'll just return the cart to the store and take the bags home.
Ohhhh Joanna. If only.
Because as I tried to turn the cart around I realized the wheels had actually LOCKED and couldn't be unlocked. So I wrestled the cart back up on the sidewalk and lovingly told Jen, "Gotta go! My wheels! I gotta call Hubs" then proceeded to call Hubs. Not once but three times while the lovely people eating in Panda Express watched me dragging the cart up onto the sidewalk, clutching the phone in between my ear and my shoulder and muttering to myself about stupid college students who steal shopping carts in our area.
I explained to Hubs my predicament and he...laughed at me.  What were we to do? I was literally a block from my home but he was with the girls.  Would Quinn the maintenance man watch our girls who were sleeping and didn't need anything while Hubs ran over to rescue me from the judging eyes at Panda Express? And yes for all you worried mamas, we know our maintenance man and trust him and again literally a block away I was waiting... so Hubs runs over with the little "go cart" thing that Quinn loaned him to rescue me.
And rescue me he did.
"Oh wait, Hubs" said I at this point, "I forgot dried mustard at the store". So I ran back to the store, told someone what I had done with their cart (see I am a nice person. I was gonna return it, I promise) and proceeded to get my mustard and get in line.  I got up to check-out, forgot I had put my wallet in the bags which were now at home with Hubs, put the mustard down and just walked out the store.

I really shouldn't be allowed outside by myself yet.

oh for grace

 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!” 

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
 

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
 

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

4 Months Old

I can't resist these pants, even though they are a tad bit too big for the girls.  They are just so cute with ruffles on their bottoms.  They're very Dr. Seuss-esque and Dr. Seuss is very fashion forward in our home these days. :)

(Belly B & Li Li)
 Happy 4 months to my beautiful daughters.

(Li Li)

To celebrate we tried some rice cereal... it was overall a small step forward.  The girls have had a wonderful month.  We're still learning about their habits and preferences.  They're getting so close to rolling over and have gone back to breastfeeding.  After 2 1/2 months of pumping milk and then bottle feeding I decided I had had enough of pumping and pumping and pumping.  It was all I ever did.  No bueno! The best way to describe it was how my sister put it when she said I was basically bottle feeding and breastfeeding.

So we gave breastfeeding one more try since the girls are older and could (Lord willing) latch on better.  And they did! Praise God! Feeding the girls this way saves me oodles of time and so long to the pump.  I will only be using you for girls nights out.

Lots of small steps this month but Lord willing they all add up...

honest motherhood

Motherhood is different than I was expecting.  I'm not sure what I was expecting but I just know that becoming a mother has knocked the wind out of me and I am barely getting back on my feet again.

I didn't think I would feel so emotionally raw for so long.  I still struggle with emotions and don't know what to do with them after so long.  I guess I thought I would have a few rough days or weeks and then bounce back to my normal, upbeat and crazy self.  But my normal, upbeat and crazy self has stayed in hibernation and I am left with this weepy pessimistic person who has replaced her.

I didn't expect to be who I am today.  I'm not sure if this is a "new" me or if this is just the me that is in transition.  I know I may never get back to my "old" self.  I know a lot has changed; some forever and some just for now but I am still slowly adjusting.

I still have sad days.  Days where I feel lonely and confused about life.  The highlight of my days are when my daughters smile at me and they seem to tell me, "Mama, everything's gonna be alright" and I realize that I am learning from my girls and not just them from me. 

I didn't expect to be so homesick. Holding my girls makes me think of my Grandmothers holding their babies and my mother holding my brothers and I.  I think about my mother a lot as I mother.

I think a lot about God and how He parents and Fathers us.  I wonder about Him a lot in the little things in my days... like when I pick my girls up from their naps and they have tears (real tears) in their eyes and down their cheeks because I took too long to come to them and I wonder, "Does God see our real tears, when we cry & feel like He has taken too long and feel sad like I feel sad for my girls?"  I know their napping is for their best and I am giving them what is best, even if it makes them cry... and I hear them and I know they just need to learn to go back to sleep because sleeping is what is best.  So I'm giving them what's best even when they cry and they want me to come to them.... is that like what God is doing when I cry and I wonder where He is in all of this confusion.

I think about God a lot in the moments.  My quiet times may be short and scatter-brained and sometimes I spend half of the time thinking of my laundry list of to-dos but it's the other moments of time, when I'm not necessarily sitting with a bible or a journal in my lap but holding a baby with her bottle or wiping snot from a nose or drool from that stubborn part of the chin that melts into the neck and everything from drool to lint gets caught in.  It's in those moments that I think about God and I don't have to wonder if He loves me....

I just know He does.  Even when I'm crying, sad and confused. I just know He does.