Saturday, February 17, 2007

I'm a Apron Wearing Woman

I love my apron. I was making dinner for Mary and I last night and while I was cooking I realized, "I enjoy this." I enjoy my apron. I am not oppressed by the apron, by the kitchen, by the thought that I could prepare a meal for friends and family. I felt actually a deep sense of peace and satisfaction.
How sad that cultures have tried to make apron-wearing women seem weak and unhappy. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are unhappy apron wearing women but in that, there lies something deeper. It's not about the stereotype that when women marry they trade in their stilletos and grey striped suits for flannel pajamas and aprons.
It's not always fun to learn who you are. At least for me. I haven't really enjoyed seeing the ugly part of who I am. I know we all have those sides because we're sinful, but I still don't like that side of me. I feel like I disappoint God. I know He loves me and I have nothing to prove but He is so much more worthy of the little I can give. I just want to honor Him and give Him my firstfruits but it doesn't always happen that way.
I am learning who I am. All my life I will be on a journey of who I am and how God made me and how I can be His Servant in who He created. I've fought who I am for some time (mostly the past 14 years) but I think I am growing out of it, Lord willing. I desperatly want to stop fighting what is rightfully ME and who God made me and become now more and more who He has made.
I'm ready to grow up. I know that sounds silly for a 24 year old woman to say but it's something I've been preparing for this past year. I feel that the past year has led me to this point where I just feel... ready! I feel this itch to give up my childish ways; my reversal to excuses, dodging hard subjects in faith, and praying for the same things over and over again. I want to grow up.
I'm ready to accept who I am and accept who God has made me and accept that I am not like "her" or even "him" but that I am me.
That's kind of confusing. I guess I am just trying to say that I am learning to be me. And lately, me has been an apron wearing woman. I enjoy that.


Ed said...

Way to go, Joanna!

You are beginning to realize the sacred and serious business of what it means to "make a home".

When Henri Nouwen began his study on what it means to 'make a home', he started by putting on his apron:
"The Meal That Makes Us Family and Friends"

We all need to eat and drink to stay alive. But having a meal is more than eating and drinking. It is celebrating the gifts of life we share. A meal together is one of the most intimate and sacred human events. Around the table we become vulnerable, filling one another's plates and cups and encouraging one another to eat and drink. Much more happens at a meal than satisfying hunger and quenching thirst. Around the table we become family, friends, community, yes, a body.

That is why it is so important to "set" the table. Flowers, candles, colorful napkins all help us to say to one another, "This is a very special time for us, let's enjoy it!"
Contrast that with what you see today in the way of distracted, driven, shallow and distintegrating families who, when they do 'share' a meal, do so in front of a TV ...

No wonder our lives are what they are: we've all left home.

Kelli B said...

i REALLY liked this post - and your dad's comment as well! you are in a really good place joanna.

i encourage you to continue to embrace WHO YOU ARE and live fully in that. because who you are is beautiful. i've seen the depths, and i know there is so much you are fighting to break free from and so much you are fighting FOR - keep doing it girl! keep going there. it's worth resting in who God has made you to be.

you encourage me. i'm glad i'm not the only one who loves wearing an apron, and loves the time around the table! :)

i love you sister friend.