write, erase, write, erase, write...

I have had a hard time writing something on this blog. I have had plenty to tell you but no idea if you want to hear it or not. That's kind of the problem with blogs. You start one so that you can write with no inhibitions but then you get self-conscious about what you are writing and whether people will want to hear that or not.

I think that you think I'm a superstar... but I'm not. I'm not even close, ok? Can we move on to where I share? thanks. :)

*You have kept count of my wanderings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in Your book?* Psalm 56:8

I read that verse today and it really really ministered to my heart. See, I'm kind of sad to think about the possibility of another move. Leaving Japan after 2 1/2 years was SO hard. So so hard. I can't explain it. I think about those days and wander over and over if I made the right decision. It was so difficult for me to have invested my heart and then packed up my bags and leave. The end of that chapter. I don't deal well with endings... and I think in those moments of leaving and trying to figure out what the heck was up with California and why I didn't feel like I belonged... I think in those moments I may have made a pact with myself not to deal well with beginnings either.

...

So I kind of put myself in a poor position. I don't like new beginnings but I don't like endings. Ha! So I've limited myself to staying, even though I don't think God is staying where we're at, a part of me just wants to... for the sake of staying.

And so I read this verse... "You have kept count of my wanderings..." and it reminded me of how confused David was when he wrote those words and how things weren't turning out like he had thought. And that makes me think of how I don't even know what to expect and although life has had unexpected joys, it has also had some heartbreaks and confusion. So it ministered to my heart that God knows. God knows! He knows how badly I want things and how hard I pray. He knows how I am scared. He knows how little I understand but in all those things He knows, He has kept count, He has kept watch and He cares. He has stored up my tears and kept track of them.

The end of 56 says, "For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life."

And that is why I can walk forward... because I know that God sees, God cares, and God causes my path to be lit by the Light of life.