Friday, October 05, 2012
I've heard reports that a lot of couples after seven years of marriage feel an "itch" to get out and experience something (and sadly sometimes someone) new.
Well, this has nothing to do with marriage but I definitely get the itch. And even more unfortunate it's probably more like a seven week itch. Every so often I get this claustrophobic feeling that everything is closing in around me. I start purging from my closet, my desktop, my recipes.... everything! Everything must go! I'm like a liquidation sale, I suppose.
It's happening again. I am feeling so claustrophobic in life right now. I feel a bit stuck in life, in my walk with the Lord, in my closet, in my personal space, in cooking, etc.
Can I be honest about something? I feel like I need to come clean. At the beginning of the year, I came out with my word for the year, "contentment"... and although I definitely need work on this word (read above again if you disagree) I chose that word thinking that God would move us out of our current situation at the end of spring. New house, new jobs, new.... something!
So while I chose contentment, I was really thinking, "I want to be happy where I'm at cause it's all gonna change soon."
And it didn't.
And that's ok. But now I'm really struggling. This is where the rubber meets the road, per se. Where I'm feeling the itch, have been feeling the itch and I've already rearranged the rearrangement of my furniture, have purged my closet twice in the last three months, and have purchased a new cookbook hoping for some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
itch. itch. itch.
My sister in law says this is because of my upbringing, that I moved around so much as a kid that I can't stand to be in anywhere too long now. Hubs' company says, "this is who you are" because I ranked "change and variety" as a high value.
Maybe its because things around me are changing. Our neighbors moved two days ago. They told us they were moving, they packed their bags, Hubs helped with heavier items... but then when it came for them to say goodbye, "last box is packed" and actual "see you laters".... do you know what happened?
They just left.
Gone. Without so much as a goodbye. Over the course of the last days I've asked Hubs, "Are you SURE they're not coming back?"
After three years of being neighbors, sharing talks, food, and drinks... they just left. The. End. And I can't help but feel.... itchy!
Well, I feel a lot of things. Sad... for one thing. After three years that was what our friendship amounted to. Nothing. No goodbyes.
I think my itch that needs scratching comes from the feeling that perhaps things will be better. If we lived overseas with a close knit community of friends, I KNOW they wouldn't forget to say goodbye to us. For example. I start thinking about how green the grass is on the other side.... and in walks discontentment like an old (but most certainly unwelcomed) friend.
I'm just feeling discontent with life.... and I don't mean that in a way that says I'm not blessed or I'm not loved. I know I am both. In abundance. I guess I'm feeling things should be different.
In the meantime, maybe the itch is good. I can downsize our home, donate some gently used items and make room for the girls to be wild and free. So much to be thankful for and content with... even if I feel claustrophobic at times. I suppose its good to evaluate what is from the Lord and what is no longer necessary in life.
And even though I tried to be content for just five months of the year, God knew that my contentment journey would need deeper digging and longer steps.
I think I'll choose "adventure" for next year's word. Ha ha!
How are you doing with your word?
Here's some posts on my contentment journey: