Monday, July 21, 2008

let's be honest, shall we?

I miss Japan so much I could throw up...
okay, that's an exaggeration.
I miss Japan so much I could impulsively buy a plane ticket, a bus, and a train and show up at the Witthofts house.

I'm impulsive but not that impulsive.

Sometimes I wish I were that impulsive.

I've been super lonely recently. So lonely I wrote my teammates about eating cheese in America (cheese is super expensive in Japan)... how desperate must I be for some sort of communication with them, that I would write about eating cheese?

I'm weird.

"What's brought this on?" You might ask.

Many things... in two days I'm going to see Mary. It's not her fault but seeing her will seal the deal that "I am home". The girl who I shared almost every moment with in Japan, will be getting off a plane and getting into a rental car to go to CO Springs with me for debriefing. Can I avoid this? I'm trying... unsuccessfully but I'm trying.

When I arrived home today I found my boxes from Japan on my doorstep. Thank you USPS. I joyously unpacked my blankets, some random clothes, presents, dvds, and other assorted goods. This doesn't help the fact that I'm trying to downsize but it's fun to receive something you sent yourself; another time, another place. I smelled the clothes and although they've been traveling for a month and a half and who knows what kind of smell that is I convinced myself it was the smell of my old apartment. Good ol' 303. I unpacked my beloved picture of Kie from 2006 on the bridge in Kyoto. I love that picture...

no, I love that girl.

It was a bit too much for me though when I unpacked my food. Jin Rood, if you're reading this. I burst into tears when I unpacked my kochijan cause it reminded me so much of you. I had sent this box partially with the intent on sharing it when Mikey was in town. No offense, Michael, but I'm kind of glad I don't have to share it. Real sake cooking wine, miso soup mix, ramen noodles, goma oil, tempura crumbs, motchi, goma seeds to put into my rice balls, Korean crushed red pepper, and my personal favorite in the collection....

real soy sauce. I just haven't found anything that compares to my soy sauce from Japan.

I think I'll eat the ramen tonight. Maybe even with the miso soup... mmm mmm mmm miso.

It's funny cause I'm crying as I write this...

it's just weird to be back. I don't want to admit it but with every passing day I lose the feeling of what it was like to be there. It feels like a dream or another person or like I'll wake up and be there. I don't lilke this feeling but I can't not feel this way either.

I don't hate America. I don't hate my friends and family. In fact, I like being back. It's just different. And for the longest time, I've feared writing that because I didn't want to offend anyone. But let's be honest, shall we?

It's just going to take me a little while.

1 comment:

Kelli B said...

Two years and more. Girl, things are BOUND to change, people back here change, everyone moves forward. It's inevitable. So give yourself that grace...we all still love you as your "new" self!

PS - cant BELIEVE I came all that way to see you and didnt bring your bags. I have to get those to you somehow. Dont want to add to your clutter...but I'm sure there are things you want and need. Let's try and work that out.