Sunday, December 11, 2005

Take a deep breath...

Breathe in, breathe out....
That's all I can think of as I sit here tonight. It's late and I am tired but my mind is reeling and I don't want this moment to slip away from me tonight. All along I keep saying, "It hasn't hit me yet. It hasn't hit me yet." And although everyone around me is wishing me the best of luck and "sending me off"~ I've managed to keep my composure.

But as my parents sleep and as I sit here in my family room... a small stirring in my heart awakens and I feel a small tug. Maybe it's because my cousin Josiah was over tonight and we watched "Family Christmas 1987"~ which, okay, I'll admit wasn't the smartest thing for me to do at this time. Maybe it's because I opened my Christmas gifts and realize it's not even halfway through December...

Whatever it is... the feeling of time passing, the amount of errands piled high on my list, or the phone calls that never cease because people are calling to make that last comment or well-wishings... it has hit me tonight.

I am moving away. I don't feel like this should be a big deal because I survived the transition to college. But it does.

I feel like I'm not being brave... part of me says, "Give it up! It's not a big deal, it's only two years."

But there is another voice that says, "It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad."

I want to be brave and I want to be strong... and I'm NOT saying that crying is weak. I just don't want to make a big deal out of this. So many missionaries have gone before me. I read all about Adoniram Judson's life and I feel "unworthy" to be considered a missionary. He went, knowing that he probably would never see his family again. When he boarded the ship he said goodbye until Heaven. So I feel awkward crying for two years.

Is that selfish of me? It doesn't make sense does it?
Sorry this blog is... random!


Kelli B said...

I love you Jo. Your heart is so real. Thanks for sharing it. It is okay to feel like you do. It's normal, you're human! You have strong ties to your family and friends, and as a woman, you FEEL more than a man does. You are a deep feeler. Keep breathing, and keep moving forward. I have no doubt you are walking in obedience to God's will in your life.


JoPappa said...


It's the evidence of the Love and affection we share.

It's the expression that your home is a treasure that you give up so that others can have The Greater Reward.

It's the measure of the sacrifice that Love makes to not hold back for self, but to acknowlege - and to boast out loud of Where Love is born, and From Whom Love comes ... and Where Love goes.

The tears He will wipe away in Heaven are the tears of regret. These are not that kind.

The tears that come from the heart overflowing with the joy of giving up for the Glory that is realized -those tears I think, He will still permit in Heaven.

They will make our eyes shine in the Radiance of His Presence.

These are the tears you have now.

And through them, I see your smile.

I love you so much, and I am so proud of what Jesus is doing through you,


Bev said...

Crying is such a relief and we should never feel bad when we need to. I am glad to have your mom back at work. I miss her when she is off and even when she goes back to her other department. I am looking forward to pictures and reading about your extordinary adventures. Your mom is so proud of you. Cry when you need to and remember to Live Well, Laugh Often and Love Much..........Bev