What a cruel world it is for an extrovert inspiring introvert. That leaves my thoughts to come tumbling out on YOU, my blog readers. I'll try to include some pretty pictures so if you'd rather not be a part of the verbal spewage, then at least your eyes can be satisfied.
...i was really disappointed today. I had this silly thing happen to me but it totally got my hopes up and I was only disappointed with the reality that I can't mail a package. I know that doesn't make sense. Basically, I just thought something was going to happen but it didn't. And while it is BETTER that it didn't happen, it would have been nice to have it happen....I'm also lonely for my roommate (see Mary's corner). She's been in America for two weeks... and I don't know how I manage without her... it is God's timing that Amy has been here. But having Amy here makes me homesick...
...and I just realized that it will be two years before I see my family. And I know, I know what you are thinking. I was the one that moved to Japan. And I know that this is where I am supposed to be. I am happy here. I love Japan. I love it! I love my friends and my team and my apartment with the tiny room that I call mine... but that doesn't make these little moments any less lonely.
On a slightly brighter note I made a decision to give myself an early birthday present. I'm going to give myself GOOD HEALTH. Ha ha! How silly is that? I know, pretty ridiculous! But I decided that the best thing I can do for myself is to give myself the best health. So I am starting to faithfully take my vitamins (I have big girl vitamins now, no vita-balls for this chica!) and exercise and eat healthy. Except for the cookies I had for breakfast I am well on my way to healthy-ville.I think it hit me that I will be 25 this year. Which could be a big year but you know what? Not for me! Aging is a part of God's process... part of His plan. And I decided that I wanted to age well. I want to be a genki (lively) person when I am blessed with whatever age God sees fit... and I don't want to be restricted by my health. So I decided to start making good decisions now.
I want to be a beautiful woman for all my life. So I am starting to love and appreciate myself and God's beauty in me and my enviornment and my friends and family... and my life. I am SO blessed. Ya know? I am!
God has been speaking to me through His word. I especially like Ecclesiastes 3:11a *He has made everything beautiful in its time.*
And to finish, the Psalm that has been speaking volumes to me...
But you, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.
Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame;
they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.
Make me to knw your ways, O LORD;
teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.
Remember your mercy, O LORD, and
your steadfast love,
for they have been from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth or
my transgressions;
according to your steadfast love
remember me,
for the sake of your goodness,
O LORD!
Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in the
way.
He leads the humble in what is right,
and teaches the humbles his way.
All the paths of the LROD are steadfast
love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and
his testimonies.
For your name's sake, O LORD,
pardon my guilt, for it is great.
Who is the man who fears the LORD?
Him will he intruct in the way that
he should choose.
His sould shall abide in well-being,
and his offspring shall inherit the land.
The friendship of the LORD is or those
who fear him,
and he makes known to them his
covenant.
My eyes are ever towad the LORD,
for he will pluck my feet out of the
net.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my hear are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my afflication and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.
Consider how many are my foes,
and with what violent hatred they
hate me.
Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
Let me know be put to shame, for I take
refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness
preserve me,
for I wait for you.
Redeem Israel, O God,
out of all his troubles. (P25)
Are you still there? See, my "mood" wasn't that bad, was it? :)
Despite all my weirdness... God is still good and still God.
2 comments:
I don't know what to say to you. You seem to be saying the same thing to yourself that I say constantly to me.
Henri Nouwen says that our aloneness is a Way out of lonliness and into Solitude.
'Inside' is not an easy place to be.
I don't know why. It shouldn't be.
In my world view, 'inside me' is where I am supposed to find That Which promises to be greater ...
What is it like to go inside of me, and find there, Greater than me? I certainly want to know that.
But I can't seem to "get there".
I don't know that anyone is thinking "Well you are the one who decided to go to Japan..." - but I know the thing you are experiencing.
Perhaps very few have thought much about what you have given up. How can they, unless they have given that up themselves?
There is nothing wrong with missing your family.
Oh how I miss you. I live with the conscious thoughts of you turned immediately upward, and focus on 'what can be done for the moment'. Is that denial, or is it faith?
It's not a sin to miss someone, and to hurt like nobody can imagine because they are not where you are.
What we need is to find That Which Has Promised to be Greater within us...there, when we go inside.
...beyond phoney pretense, cliches, and little, superstitious phrases that are more for our own convincing than our confession.
It will certainly be my heart's desire that you will not be lonely when you are alone.
But if you are, I will take it as a compliment, and a good indication that your heart is still alive for the things that you have laid aside for awhile, to be where you need to be right now.
And that the desire is still there, permitted that one day you will again find what's in your heart is given back into your hands.
aww.. i relate joanna. i relate.
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