November 8th

I've had a lot on my mind. First, I would like to "do away" with all bad moods. I detest my bad moods.
I'm serious, hear me out~ I mean, who honestly likes a bad mood? But I bet there are people who do. And I'm not talking about people who do things like "lurking" (such a fun word to say~ who honestly lurks? ha ha) I'm talking about real life, every day people. I've met them. People who thrive on making other people miserable and people who enjoy snapping off their friends' heads or making others feel small. But I don't. I hate it. I feel like I am Dr. Jekyll and Joanna Hyde. Someone told me it's because I am "so in tune" with my emotions but if I am so "in tune" with my emotion shouldn't that make me more aware of others feelings?
But yet, I still do it.
Ugh! That's what I have to say.
Ugh!
I want every day to be a positive day for me. Even when I don't feel positive. I have so many blessings and friends and lessons learned and still to learn that I feel like I don't deserve a bad day.
Goal: to have fewer bad days and more good days. But HOW to do that, I have not quite figured out. Today was a beautiful day as my Tokyo team and I hung out and did some reflection. It was good for my heart not to be silenced anymore. On the way, I saw Mt. Fuji and it made me smile.

Here is a picture of a crowded train. This weekend I am going to Okutama to hang with Japanese people who love Jesus. I am excited. This is such a unique experience.

Tonight Mary is watching Narnia for the first time... she has never even read the books. Oh, I love the Pevensie children... I want to be Lucy when I grow young. ;) Also, NARNIA reminds me of when my high school performed it and Blaine Leslie was Mr. Beaver... in the background of a scene, he was pretending to eat a fish. He took one sniff of it, made a face as if it smelled bad and then tossed it off stage. I managed to catch it out of the corner of my eye but it made me laugh SO hard that the entire play stopped for about five minutes. Imagine that, Joanna losing all laughter control for a full five minutes. Not too hard to imagine, eh? I think Becky Brihn got that play on tape because she was Susan... so I need to ask her for it sometime. I was of course, Lucy.

Goal Two: locate tape of Narnia play and laugh at how silly Blaine was again.
Crowded trains can be stinky... not just for the fact that there are a ton of people sweating profusely and breathing the same air... but because this time, I was propped perfectly under Chris's armpit. Ha ha! This is no joke. I was practically holding the girl in front of me. Ugh! Crowded trains make me a teeny bit claustrophobic. Chris started to laugh a little hysterically which made me a little hysterical so I said, "Chris, knock it off" and I tilted my head up so I could catch some fresh air. Chris kept patting me on the head saying, "Kodomo gonna cry." which he thought was hilarious. Basically he was telling everyone around us that the child (me) was going to cry because i was being squished. Squished... another fun word to say.
I gave advice to a friend today... and it broke my heart and made me fightin' mad to write to her. Not because of her, but because I am passionate to fight for purity and everything wholesome in life. There is precious few things in life that are truly beautiful and pure still. It breaks my heart to hear about struggles and lies that happen in my beautiful friends' lives.

I gave advice to this friend that I don't deserve to give... I can only tell her how I didn't take people's advice and how I ended up wishing I had listened. If only you could make things CLEAR to people.

I don't say this often, because I believe things happen in our lives to make us who we are, and I don't believe in regret. Sorrow and mourning, yes. Regret? No! I don't want to live a life where I live in the past... where I live with guilt. I have enough guilt already that I must continue to focus on Jesus... but I will say this.

I wish I had fought more for the Beauty in my life and in my heart. I fear the lessons I've learned and continue to fight through will make me a fearsome creature, though. Fearsome for the Lord! Daily I feel I am becoming more passionate to save the Beauty in my friends and Lord willing, someday, my daughters. (spiritual ones too, Lord willing!) (p.s. this is Mayu at her university where I went to visit her and eat lunch with her)
Oh, Lord. Please help me to learn the lessons You so graciously give me over and over. I can be hard-hearted but I so desire to regain the Beauty You have given me and given my friends. Give us strength to fight for the Beauty You have made us.